Postpartum Depression

My third pregnancy was difficult.  The anatomy scans weren't great.  Baby girl wasn't growing properly. There wasn't much amniotic fluid. So many people commented on how "small" I was not knowing my baby wasn't growing properly.  I visited the MFM doctor very frequently for months.
I was sick for the first 20 weeks.  My blood pressure would dip so low I would pass out.  My husband was working his butt off during tax season so I drove myself to appointments an hour away every few days. We had a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old at home relying on us already.  It was a tough 9 months. 

It wasn't a surprise pregnancy.  It was actually planned out around tax season. This baby would be born in the summer during our slowest time of year so that we could navigate the newborn months together. I had always been pretty much solo after the baby was born so my husband could work, but this time I would have him to help!

We knew having two so close in age would be tough for a while, but we wanted to keep the kids ages close so they would be *hopefully* the best of friends. The pregnancy was challenging and we knew it would be, but we were keeping our eyes on the "prize" at the end.

We welcomed the sweetest baby girl to our family, Scotlynn Bloom, on July 1st.

Postpartum Depression:

I have postpartum depression.

That is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to admit, but I have recently admitted that myself and a few others.

I.  have.  postpartum. depression.  It still stings as I type it.

As a Mom I struggle asking for help (as many Moms do).  I feel that I need to do it ALL myself, all the time.  I never in a MILLION years thought I would have to ask for help due to a MENTAL struggle, but here I am.

New mom of 3.  Wife of 6 years.  Business owner.  Go-getter.  College graduate.  Master's degree.  and now.....postpartum depression.

I've gotten myself out of debt, quit jobs not knowing where to go next, traveled the world, and made huge leaps of faith.  I've battled through 3 long and stressful pregnancies and 3 NICU stays.  I've never been depressed.  I've never done therapy or thought I needed to.  I consider myself a very strong person who tries my best to take things as they come and buckle down when needed.

However, I have not been able to conquer THIS.

I am here to tell you that postpartum depression does not discriminate.  It is real.  It is ugly.  It is scary.  Despite how I may have felt in the past, it is NOT in your control.  It is completely different than baby blues.  It is maddening.  It is soul-crushing. It is lonely.  I never knew something so ugly and heart-breaking could come from something so beautiful as a new baby.

No birth or labor pain can compare to the amount of pain caused by the mental turmoil of postpartum depression to a Mother.

My Postpartum Story:

We brought Scotlynn home after a ten day NICU stay.  We were quickly thrown into the chaos of 3 kids ages 4, 1, and 11 days.  We suddenly lost our summer childcare when I was still recovering from my c-section only a few days after bringing home baby. It was absolutely terrible timing, however we stuck together and figured it out.  Nights and days were crazy and long, but I was feeling pretty on top of things considering it all.  We had many people bring us dinner in the first few weeks and that help was greatly appreciated! We were accepting ALL the help offered this third time around (lessons learned), but when you are on baby #3 most people assume you have it all figured out already.

At one month postpartum I felt TIRED.  In one month so many things had happened.  I had hemorrhaged after my c-section and needed blood transfusions.  I wasn't healing very quickly and it was frustrating.  I needed to feel better so I could be "Mom".

I got mastitis about a week later which resulted in me crying in the middle of the night uncontrollably until I realized I had a 104 fever.  I was so focused on the baby I was feeding that I didn't realize how bad I really felt until I blacked out walking out of her room at 3AM.

After the mastitis got under control, I felt miles better.  I felt the first few weeks this 3rd time around was so much harder than the first two times I did it.  However, that made complete sense considering we had two other children that also needed us 24/7.

The postpartum emotions hit me like they had before and I was ready for them.  I cried over things that I normally wouldn't, but I knew that was par for the course after having a baby.  I spoke to my husband at the end of most nights and agreed it was a rough day, but I was chugging along fine.

I lost all of the baby weight almost immediately after birth--30 pounds.  I figured after surgery my appetite would come back once the medications left my body, but it didn't. I was pumping milk every few hours every day and had no appetite, but I figured it would get better...
I confided in a few people about my lack of appetite and was met with the response, "must be nice".
I felt something was wrong, but no one seemed to think it was an issue so I brushed it off.  (My OB even laughed a little when I told her I had no appetite. How lucky!)

I was having a difficult time sleeping and for the first time in my life I started taking sleeping pills just so I could get a few hours of sleep.  I would wake up in the middle of the night and be up for HOURS for no reason.  All kids asleep and I was wide awake. As soon as I finally drifted off to sleep, I would be woken by a crying baby.  I cried in the middle of the night out of sheer frustration.

It wasn't until about 7 weeks postpartum that I started really struggling.  Instead of feeling better day-by-day, I was feeling worse each day.  It was like all of my good emotions were gone and my body was incapable of feeling happiness.

The crying wasn't letting up at all, it was only getting worse and I didn't know why. I felt overwhelmed and trapped.  I didn't feel capable of taking care of all 3 kids alone.  I would often run to my closet and cry uncontrollably in my pillow for no apparent reason. It felt impossible to appease a 4-year old, rationalize with a 18-month old, and care for a newborn all at the same time.

When the baby cried I would be so anxious and my heart would race a million miles a minute.  I had several panic attacks and couldn't explain what triggered them. I did have some Postpartum anxiety after I had baby #2, but it only lasted a couple of weeks before it went away.  This time it was creeping up on me every day and escalating.

My temper was out of control--completely not like me.  I was easily angered and yelled at my kids.  I felt isolated and very lonely even surrounded by loved ones.  When I would go out of the house to have "me-time" I would just sit in my car and cry alone in a parking lot.  I felt at any moment I was just barley holding it together.

I seriously regretted getting out of the house each time I did.  I had nothing real to say to anyone and no one ever bothered to ask me how I was doing.  Most people commented saying how they just KNEW I was spending all of my time these days "snuggling that baby".

That was so far from the truth.

I was having a very hard time connecting with thew baby for months after she came home.  I loved her, but just didn't have that "feeling".  It made me cry more when I thought about it, so I didn't.

The bottling up and pretending made me feel worse.   I felt like we made a mistake.  I felt like we put way too much on our plates at once.  I felt like we messed up the good thing we had going.  The 3rd baby had put me over the edge and made me crazy.  I didn't even recognize the person I was being.


Every night when I got in bed I got very anxious.  I didn't know how much sleep I would get or how many times the baby would wake me. My heart would be racing so fast that it would be hard for me to sleep.  When I would wake to a crying baby I was mad.  I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to feed a baby.  I longed for the past.  Her cries made me cringe.

The guilt I had from feeling those feelings about MY CHILD was excruciatingly painful.  She had done nothing.  She was just this perfect, sweet, angel baby that arrived into our family.  She was stuck with an unfit Mom who SHOULD be obsessing over her but instead was crying over her.  When I thought about this it made me SO angry at myself.  I felt she would be better off without me.  I felt like I was making her sad.  I knew she could sense my frustration and sadness and it crushed me.

My two older children had been thrown into several huge changes suddenly.  Instead of having a Mom there to comfort them and help them adjust, they had a crumbling Mom.  A Mom who could barley make it through the day. I was not there for my babies when they needed me the most.

I was told so many times by so many people how "blessed" I was and "these are the best days of your  life", but I didn't feel that way.  I felt like I was trapped in my own personal hell.  I just wanted to feel like ME, and not the anxious, sobbing, out of control person I had become.  I knew I was completely blessed to have my beautiful family and my good life, but it hurt terribly hearing those words repeatedly and the guilt felt massive.  I often wondered what was wrong with me if I thought these days were terrible and everyone else thought they were the "best days ever".


I was either crying from being completely overwhelmed by my normal daily tasks or felt completely NUMB to it all. Things were different than they ever were after baby #1 and baby #2.  Things were SO hard.  I fantasized about leaving and never coming back.

I carried on this way for a while.

Several weekends in a row I was unable to stay at the house with the kids and my husband told me to leave and go do something alone.  I was ashamed of my mental state and the fact that by 9 AM I was basically running out the door.  However, my husband was fully capable of taking care of the kids all day alone.

After a few weekends like this I admitted to myself something was not right.  I did not have this experience after my first or second baby.  Things were different.  Things were not right and not normal.  I googled my heart out and found many conflicting things about postpartum depression.  I had pretty much ALL the symptoms, but I still wasn't completely convinced.  Or I suppose I just didn't want to admit it was THAT bad, but it certainly was.

I made a plan for myself to get some good things rolling.  I started forcing myself to eat even when I didn't feel like it.  I took my vitamins and supplements.  I went for a walk in the sunshine every day.  I listened to supportive podcasts and tried to light a fire in myself.  I got up early and had coffee alone to start the day right.  I went on a few dates with my husband.  I went out with my friends.  I talked to myself about how blessed I was.  I got massages and went to the chiropractor.  I went to the movies and dinner alone.  I did things that used to make me happy. 

Nothing was working/helping.  I was SO FRUSTRATED.  I was trying SO hard to focus on myself and make myself better.  I was doing ALL the things and seeing no improvement.

After listening to a podcast that mentioned postpartum thyroiditis, I made an appointment with a new doctor to do blood work.  I didn't want to see my OB because I knew she would call me in an anti-depressant immediately and I didn't want that, not yet.  I had a million questions that I wanted to ask someone and I knew my OB wasn't that someone. 

I anxiously sat in the room and gathered my thoughts waiting on the docotor.  I really had no idea how to put into words everything I was feeling.  As soon as I began speaking, I had to hold back the tears.  I absolutely lost my composure when she told me that my children could feel my pain and I couldn't hide it from them.  I knew she was right and it crushed me.  I had been trying SO hard to keep my pain and suffering from them.

The  doctor was so nice and sweet and assured me there probably was an underlying issue like a thyroid problem.  I probably also had anemia due to the blood loss after my c-section.  She gave me zero information about postpartum depression. I was hopeful after talking to her, and I waited for my results.  She wanted to see me back in two weeks.  She assured me we would work through this and find an answer together.

During those two weeks, I was crying constantly and each day ended with me crawling into bed as soon as the kids were down and ugly crying. My husband was sympathetic, but I could tell he just didn't get it.  Also, he was tired from taking care of 3 kids AND ME.  He wasn't getting any sleep and was also working to make money for our family. I was feeling like he was tapped out.  I was feeling bad for being a burden to him instead of a teammate as I normally was.  This was a hard time for him too.  It was hard to hold up the business and take care of me and the kids with little sleep. I was mad at him for not being there for me like I needed him to be, but I was also SO upset he was having to live through this.  My emotions were all over the place.

Our life was a mess.  We were fighting and dividing, which was not like us. What had we done?

I felt I needed help, but there wasn't anyone available to help me like I needed.  In retrospect I probably should have left to get some help for a little while and get my mind right, but I had too much responsibility at home to leave.  I also didn't have the time, money, or energy to pour into MYSELF.  That seems crazy when you are a parent to stop and help yourself.... or it did to me.

I felt like I was drowning in a giant hole that I would never escape.  It was impossible for me to put all of this into words to share with someone or ask for more help.  Honestly, I did such a good job going through the motions and internalizing it all that I don't think most people noticed there was anything going on with me. I didn't lie in bed all day or cry in front of people.  I didn't complain and whine.  I was acting normal and wanting so badly to feel normal.

I never heard back from the doctor's office on my test results.
I called back again and finally had a nurse return my call.  It was the doctor's nurse and she said all my test results looked "fine" (minus some anemia).  She asked me if I was sleeping any better and I said I was sleeping a little better because my baby was sleeping all night.  I told her everything else was the same.  She urged me to get some better sleep and said to call them back if I ever "need anything else".

I was crushed.

I had convinced myself that I had found the problem and there would be a solution, but I was wrong. My blood work was "fine" and there was nothing wrong with me.  I felt crazy.  I was going crazy.  WHY could everyone else handle the stresses that came with 3 kids, but I couldn't?

I was angry.  I was shameful.  The few times I voiced my concerns to people I was shot down.  I was assured that having kids was hard and my struggle was normal. I had tried to reach out for help with no success.  I was at my wits end and so was my husband.  He needed me to be normal and so did I.

I went through the motions. I checked off all the boxes I needed to every day.  Packed lunches, washed bottles, bathed kids, got groceries, drove kids to and from school, kept up with my work in the business, and pretended I was fine.  I decided if I pretended long enough that one day I would be fine. I stopped complaining to my husband and kept it all in even from him.

I felt like the worst person in the world.  I had three amazing HEALTHY kids.  I had a husband who was willing to go above and beyond for me.  I had childcare arranged so I could work.  I had chances to get "me time" in every day AND I WAS STILL A DISASTER.  So many people had it worse than me and were kicking ass and I was failing miserably. I just couldn't understand why I was struggling so much.  This was by far the most help I had ever had with a new baby and it was the worst I had ever felt.

God had given me the world's easiest baby and I couldn't handle her existence.

Something's gotta give:

My symptoms worsened and the crying increased.  I had three periods in one month.  I could no longer convince myself I was "fine".

I decided to seek out some information about Postpartum depression.  This was in the form of counseling specializing in PPD.  I felt silly going to talk about my feelings, but didn't really know what else to do. 

The counseling appointment basically was a chance for me to let it all out in a judge-free zone.  I did let it ALL out and cried my way through my feelings knowing I would not be judged.  I said all the terrible things I was thinking out loud.  

It was freeing.  

I walked out of that appointment feeling 100 times lighter.  Like I was able to take the Mom-guilt I was having and leave some of it there in that room. I got a lot of my questions answered and it really lit a fire inside me.  I felt motivated to fix myself.  I had anger toward people in my life that were not noticing my struggle and weren't helping, but I realized that anger was not fair.  This was my battle to fight and I needed to admit I had a problem and face it head on.

I listened to every podcast I could find about postpartum depression.  I started taking supplements to help stabilize and balance out my hormones. I doubled up on my iron supplements to help my anemia. I read about the brain and how it deals with stress.  I started walking again, EVERY day.  I started doing gratitude practice every day.  I drank my water and tried to soak in the good moments with my kids. I read self-help books. I prayed hard. I tried my best to meditate (probably not my thing but I gave it a good try). I told myself over and over and over again that it WILL GET BETTER. 

My Uphill Battle 

I realized one day that I missed my baby when I had been away that day.  I WANTED to go home and snuggle on her.  This was a huge change and it felt so so good that I cried. 

I had days where I craved some of my favorite foods again.  I got dressed up and got out of the house.  I spent some one-on-one time with each of my kids.  I had a day where I didn't cry at all.  I had the first "good" day in weeks.  I slept for 7 hours straight without waking.  I felt like it was working. 

The next week I had a couple of good days in a row.  I felt like i was slowly climbing myself out of the hole..... Then life would happen and shit would get piled back on top of me again and I would be pushed back down to the bottom.  

I would start to see the light again, but if I missed ONE day of my "stuff" (working out, me-time, structure, gratitude) then shit hit the fan.  I had one entire good five days, but the following weekend was horrible and all of those feelings came rushing back. I could see that I needed to stick to those things or I would be set back, but I WAS starting to see the light and that was the most important thing.

Today:

I am almost 4 months postpartum.

I woke up today before my kids and drank my coffee. I made the baby a bottle and ran up to her room to wake her at 7.  I had missed her little face over the night.  She stretched and looked up at me and smiled.  My heart was so happy to see her.  I kissed her on the head a million times and sang her a song despite my terrible singing abilities.  I looked at her and could not imagine NOT having her in my life. I talked with my husband in her room while we finished our coffee.  We got the kids ready for school and completed the 2398430 morning tasks, and I didn't feel overwhelmed by it all.  When the kids left for school I snuggled my baby more before she went down for her nap.  I bought new shoes and committed to a 5K run.  I got out in the sunshine and did my first training run.  I'm starting to feel like me again.  The me that wakes up happy in the morning and ready to kick ass.  The me that has goals and dreams and plans.  

I believe a lot of things came into place in order for me to see and stick to what I needed to do to help myself.  Maybe fate.  Maybe luck.  Maybe answered prayers.

A series of events led me to sharing my struggles with a large group of women.  I let my guard down long enough to be vulnerable and share my struggles. That led me to finding strength in numbers.  For the first time, I did not feel alone. It made me realized that I wasn't the only person who had been through this. 

I am not broken.  I will be me again.  It will take time.

I think one of the things that helped me most was having people who had been in my shoes tell me that IT WILL GET BETTER.  It sounds crazy, but the minute I had people to relate to my struggle and their support, I started believing in myself. 

I am still struggling through this season, but it IS getting better.  I still have an uphill battle and most likely several more months to work on myself before I am back 100%, but I am here to do the work and here for my kids.  My kids are and will always be worth all the hard days.

The reason you are reading this story:

I wanted to hide my struggle because I was ashamed and embarrassed.  When I went out to look for help and information on PPD, there was very little.  Most people believe that PPD means you are trying to hurt yourself and/or your baby.  That is not the case!  In extreme cases some women can have postpartum psychosis, but that is not the same thing as PPD and not nearly as common. Also, in some cases of PPD women can be suicidal so it is absolutely something to take very seriously!  

I still do not know why it happens or why it happened to me. I don't know the science behind it what exactly happens to the brain and the chemicals in the brain after birth. In my case, it was a pretty traumatic pregnancy, birth, and month following birth so maybe that contributed.  But I will probably never understand why it happened only after my third baby. I will probably never know.

What I do know, is that I want to help!  If coming out of hiding and sharing my story will help even ONE person, I will be happy.  Please know you are not alone. Please reach out to me!  Please read my story and know you are NOT alone. 

If you have have never experienced PPD, it may be hard for you to understand its' depths.  Please try to be kind and have empathy for those new Mamas around you.  Check on those new moms!  Everyone checks on baby but not on Mom!  Give her a chance to confide in you.  It may be hard for her to voice her struggle, but she needs you. 

I NEVER want one of my daughters to go through this alone.  I am sharing this for them, for my friends, and for all the  important women in my life. 

This is me and this is my story of postpartum depression. 

To my babies, Saylor, Slate, & Scotlynn:

I started this blog almost two years ago as a way to document my life during this season.  I want you all to have a way to know what I was thinking and how I felt as a Mom/Wife during these years.  I want you to know our story.  I want you to know the good, bad, and the ugly. I never want you to feel that what you are feeling is not normal or not okay.  I don't want you to think we easily made it here and we had an easy marriage or easy time growing our family.  We have had all the same fears that you will have in this season and you can come to us when you need advice, help, or open ears.  It is 100% okay to admit that these times are tough because they are.

If you find yourself in this season of life struggling, you are not alone.  Please{always}ask us for help! Know that theses struggles do not define you or your strength.  This is simply a season of struggle.  A "face-down" moment, but you will rise and it WILL get better!

To my daughters:
If you have postpartum depression, TELL ME!  I will be there for you as long as you need me, in whatever way you need me.  I will stand beside you.  I will lift you up and you will NOT be alone.

To my son:
If your wife struggles with PPD, help her fight through it. Take her seriously. It will get better, but she needs you to help her be strong in this time.  You are her person and she needs you now more than ever. I will stand by you both in this time and take off any burden that I can so you can help your wife and your family.

You were all made to do hard things.  You can do this and I will support you, always.

Love,
Mom.

       

   

Expanding Your Family

When you get married, you will be asked 394020934 times, "So how many kids do ya'll want?". 

It is something you will probably think of and (hopefully) talk about with your spouse before getting married.  When you find the right person, it really is hard NOT to imagine raising perfect tiny little humans with them!😍

I am the third kid of four girls and Carson is the third of three boys and one girl-- pretty crazy! 

Naturally, we both loved the idea of having a big family one day! 

When it came time to actually start our family, we had some trouble getting pregnant. We decided to see a fertility specialist just to make sure everything was okay and we were actually able to make babies.  They suggested that I get my tubes flushed out(which I did) and BAM, I got pregnant that month right after the procedure! We were SO excited to get that positive pregnancy test!  

The pregnancy was not a textbook pregnancy like we had assumed it would be.  At our 20-week anatomy scan, they found some issues with the baby's head shape and referred us to a specialist.  My doctor put me on bed-rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, and I had appointments every several days to check my amniotic fluid.  We found out that the baby's head shape was off because there was not enough amniotic fluid around the baby and her head.  I and ended up being hospitalized at 30 weeks when the fluid got extremely low. My doctors decided it was time to take the baby out via c-section at 34 weeks.  

On May 8, 2015 we had a tiny 4 pound baby, Saylor Aryah Sands.  She went straight to the NICU and was in critical condition for about 2 weeks.  She stayed in the NICU for a month total followed by a very tough first year. 

I remember feeling SO many emotions when Saylor turned one!  It had been a hell of a year leading up to that birthday party.  The pregnancy, the NICU stay, her heath issues following a premature birth, breastfeeding struggles, physical therapy for a 3-month-old, colic, reflux, and so much more!

It felt like we had been running a marathon that I had never signed up for.... On that day I just felt exhausted.

After that year, I wasn't sure if there would every be more Sands babies in our future.  I felt beaten down and many times wondered HOW THE HECK our parents survived raising FOUR babies.  I wondered if I just didn't have what it took to be a great Mom of a large family....

After Saylor turned one, we sold our house and moved for a fresh start, but things got SO busy at work and Saylor was sick almost the entire winter after we put her in full-time daycare.  We did not talk about expanding our family again for a long time, and I had pretty much let go of the "big family" idea.

Some time right before Saylor turned 2, it all somehow became a bit easier.  I don't think our life got much easier (we were still working crazy hours and the tax busy season was BRUTAL), but we somehow were able to juggle it all bit better. 

We went on a much needed mom-and-dad trip for a few days and were able to talk about the future.  Surprisingly, we agreed that we did still want Saylor to have a sibling despite the struggles we had.  Though is was all harder than we had EVER imagined, it was worth EVERY single bad day to have our baby girl.  We both agreed we wanted to have another baby...at least one more.

We got pregnant a few months after that conversation and were both pretty shocked that it happened so quickly. Unfortunately, we did have the same issues again during the second pregnancy(though we were told that it was very unlikely).  

I was seeing a specialist several times a week by the second trimester to check fluid levels and growth of the baby. We had several scares along the way, but I found we were able to deal with it all so much better than we did the first time.  Yes, we were scared, but we had SO much faith that it would all be okay.  I knew in the end it would all be worth it.  

Slate Rowan Sands was taken via c-section at 36 weeks due to low amniotic fluid (just like his sister) on December 8th, 2017. He had a one week NICU stay that felt like a breeze compared to Saylor's month-long hospitalization.  We took him home to join our crazy family and have been loving on him now for 9 months!

My thought every day for the past 9 months:  

How in the heck did we ever life without this boy in our lives? 

Newborn baby Slate Rowan Sands

My heart, abilities, patience, and endurance have all grown so much these past 9 months as a Mom of two.  They have not been easy months, but they have been SO rewarding.  Slate has been in physical therapy and has had a rough start to life just like Saylor did.  We didn't get it "easy" either time, but we have the most-perfect little humans to love on each and every day! 

So here we are once again having the talk about expanding our family for baby Sands #3.....

Most people think we are absolutely crazy, but we will be trying for #3 (and possibly final) Sands baby in one more month!  We know it will be hard, expensive, exhausting, scary....the list goes on.  BUT we also know that it will be SO worth it and that we are more-than-capable of doing it together.

Carson and I stick together when we face fear.  We tag-team bedtime and toddler melt-downs.  We have each other through this whole season of life.  

All of these words and this story to say one thing.  Raising babies is HARD.  Making a family is HARD.  Pregnancy, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, disciplining, potty training...ALL are more difficult than you can imagine.  It took me years to realize this.  The conclusion that we came to was that we will do the hard work now to grow our family, and something SO beautiful will come from all of our hard work.  We are already seeing our hard work pay off each time we look at our sweet babies💓

Things in life that are worth anything are not EASY.  

If you are ever in this situation wondering how in the HECK we raised all of you kids....I want you to know that it was not easy! 

It was SO incredibly hard.

BUT it was SO incredibly worth it! I would do it all over again one million times if that is what I had to do for this family.💓💓💓💓💓

Love,

MOM

Year T H R E E - With Our Saylor Aryah

What a whirlwind parenting is when you get thrown into it with your first born!  You are thrown into a new world you didn't even realize existed and it is quite scary!  You work through the struggles of raising a newborn and learn something new about yourself and your baby every day.  Though the struggles are huge in the beginning, the successes and the sweet baby milestones quickly outweigh all of the struggles.  There really is no better more-magical time of life than the first year of parenthood!  Somewhere about 6 months in you realize that you are capable of this whole parenting thing and you live off of coffee and baby kisses.  Each morning you wake up and stare at this perfect little human that YOU created.  I remember racing Carson upstairs in the morning to get Saylor out of her crib because we both wanted those first morning smiles!!! Seriously nothing better.

The first year is full of so many sweet moments and big milestones.  The first smile.  Rolling over.  Belly laughs.  Sitting up.  Trying real food.  First words.  Crawling.  Walking.  All huge moments and the biggest burst of happiness each and every month watching your new baby learn, grow, and come into her own.

Then....then  you blink and your baby is turing 2.....then 3!

All of a sudden this tiny perfect little bundle of joy is a toddler, and toddler-hood smacks you in the face so fast you don't even know what happened! Tantrums, whining, crying about nothing, hitting, biting, refusing bedtime, refusing to eat, telling you NO, kicking the wall....

You saw other parents dealing with this while you were snuggling your cute little sleeping infant, but never did you REALLY picture yourself in their shoes.  Never did you picture yourself being the Mom in Target with a toddler having a full on meltdown!  yikes!

Yes, you still LOVE your child without a doubt, but for the first time EVER you are thinking to yourself that they are acting a little asshole!  You may need more mom-breaks or drink more wine, but things definitely change and it was a change that I did not see coming.

There was a moment for me when I realized that toddler-hood is a whole different ball game.  Toddler-hood is exhausting and requires SO.  MUCH.  PATIENCE! When that little baby starts walking, all of a sudden it is your job to follow them around and make sure they do not DIE.  They have no reasoning skills so it is your job to make sure that your clumsy toddler does not decide it is a good idea to step off a 3-foot step and smack their face into the concrete.  E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G!

Now being an experienced toddler-raiser, I see those Moms struggling in public with their kid(s) and just want to hug them and tell them they are doing a GREAT job!

Three

My first baby, Saylor Aryah, is almost 3.5 years old!  Though we had our days and our struggles when she was 2, it really was a pretty good year! I didn't think the terrible twos were so terrible! We learned how to discipline her and what worked and what did not.  For the most part she was very eager to please us and really did not like being in trouble!

Now three has been difficult...

Saylor is coming into her own and has SO much sass and SO many opinions.  She is smart and she is stubborn.  She is soaking up everything around her.  She is emotional and very hard-headed.  She likes to break the rules just to make sure the consequences are still there.  She is bossy.  She likes to have power, even the smallest amount.  She likes to do things ALL BY HERSELF.  She is scared of things.  She tells lies.  She is a normal 3-year-old just learning all the things about this big world!

All of those things are very frustrating as a parent (especially if you have a new baby AND a new 3-year-old).  There are days that I want to scream and pull my hair out.  Days when I feel I am not capable of raising a toddler....

However, I have learned that she is growing and progressing as she SHOULD, and I am the one who needs to learn how to parent a three-year-old. This is new territory for us so we are not only giving her grace but ourselves too!  We are slowly learning what works and what does not and I am happy to report that things are going great and we are enjoying our time together lately!

All about Saylor at 3-years-Old

Though as you can tell this age has been tricky for me....I want to remember every detail of Saylor at this age! I want to remember her sweet voice and her tender soul. I want to soak in all the innocence she has and the heart of gold💛

She loves it when we all are together and spend quality time as a family. She gets super giddy when we all are together and engaging, and we she looks around at all of us and tells us she loves us.  Sweetest.  Thing.  EVER.

We are constantly laughing at her because she loves to be silly and make people smile.  She just started 4-day preschool and every day she gets awesome notes from her teacher about her behavior.  She loves to give hugs and tell you she loves you.  She always wants to "race". We never had a problem getting her to go to be and she listens better than any other 3-year-old I know. She is SO sweet to her brother and seldom gets jealous.  If I am doing laundry, she comes up and asks if she can help me.  She is SO stinking smart and she talks NON-STOP like her Daddy.  She says "why" 56404 times per day until exhaustion sets in on our faces :) I know she will do big things in her life and I hope she is always sweet, fearless, and outgoing just like she is now!

Saylor Loves:

Dinosaurs

Telling "jokes"

Paw Patrol

DAD

Playing with baby boy 💓She is the BEST big sister

Going to school

Playing hide-and-seek

Doing puzzles

Pretending to be a mermaid

Eating- she eats like a grown man!

Going to Target with Mom

Playing piano with Dad

Sitting down at dinner time and talking as a family

Wearing dresses

Sleeping with Monkey and Fox

Putting on Mom's makeup

Making other people laugh!

Being Social- she thrives in social environments

Sitting down and reading a book

Going to gymnastics

Sleeping! She still naps and sleeps 12 hours at night (still sleeping in her crib)#cribforlife

Playing with her cousins

Playing with her baby dolls and putting them to "bed"

Funny things she says now:

Don't do me like that

I am your friend Momma

Can you go check on big-boy?

I don't want the Bump-truck to come get our trash!

You cannot pop me, I am not a balloon!

Yummy, good eating!

I have to Poop!

I did not fart, it was Dad

I can have one of those laler(later)

When I get bigger I can do that

I love we house (she hasn't gotten our down yet)

Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Yesterday, I was a baby

Can we go to the store and get more food

Can I have some lunch (right when she wakes up in the morning)

There is SO much more I could say about our sweet girl. I could write about her and her personality forever!  For now, I will hope that this post give me a glimpse into the past when I read it to her years down the road 💓

-Love Mom

Modern Farmhouse Details!

I remember the day we decided to sell our house in the city and move to Decatur so vividly!  We knew we wanted to build a "barndominium" or something similar to keep our total mortgage low.  We had just been through Dave Ramsey's program and wanted to continue the minimalist trend in our life.  We also knew that when we started our business we would want our monthly expenses to be very low so that we could ultimately both quit our jobs once the business was making enough.  Though the barndominum probably is not anyone's DREAM forever home, we quickly got over of the fancy dream-home idea when we realized this home would offer us much more freedom.

As adults we quickly learned that you really cannot put a price on your freedom and flexibility, especially when you start a family.  We had missed many of the early months with Saylor while we were working and we did not want that to be our lives for EVER.

So THAT is how the Sands Modern Farmhouse came to be :)

Carson asked me what the house would look like and I quickly showed him 665045604 Pinterest pictures to give him an idea. While he was looking over those, I took a piece of paper and drew the plans for our house.  The drawings I made that day are actually the plans our builder worked off of when we built {crazy}! We calculated all of the costs to build the house that day (CPA-Carson wanted a good budget) so we could figure out if we could really make this dream a reality. We searched the cost of foundations, dirt work, surveys, builder compensation, water well digging, septic systems, flooring, kitchen appliances, etc.

We knew we wanted a lot of square footage {for our future BIG family} even if that meant we had to sacrifice some on the finish-out of the interior.  Our thought was that if we had the space we wanted from the start then it would be much easier to upgrade interior items later on down the road rather than trying to add on more square footage. We went with a rectangular design in order to save money on construction.  We initially planned to use metal for the exterior of the house, but finally landed on Hardie siding instead when we learned the metal didn't save us any money and we preferred the look of siding.

We added an office with its' own entrance that would one day be the office for our accounting firm (that was merely a dream at the time).   Initially the plans had 5 bedrooms, but we ended up having to make the 5th bedroom into a closet to save money and stay on budget.

After what seemed like an INSANE process from start to finish, here we are in our house. We obviously have learned a thing or two about the home-building process, but overall we are SO happy with the result. It took 10 months start to finish.  The building time was about 5 1/2 - 6 months and the other time was spent dealing with paperwork for the city so that we could start building.

Here are all the fine details!

4 bedrooms

4 bathrooms

2 living rooms(1 upstairs and 1 downstairs)

1 playroom

1 home office

3 car garage

10 extra closets that are NOT for clothes 🙌

His and Hers closets in Master Bath

HUGE pantry

Laundry room

Mudroom

3700 square foot of living space

Hardy-siding exterior

Concrete floors on entire first floor

Granite counter tops in the kitchen

Foam insulation used throughout

Tank-less hot water heater (has been AMAZING)

Custom paint-grade kitchen cabinets made by a local carpenter

Ikea vanities in all bathrooms built by Yours Truly

Carpet on second floor with tile in bathrooms

All tile and carpet used was basic in-stock selection from Lowe's

All Paint used was by Sherwin Williams with the builder bulk-discount

Composite roof

1 Large covered back patio

The cupola on top of the house if fake and just for looks(people ask us if you can climb up in there all the time!)

The barn doors on the exterior were made by our builder and are not functioning because he fixed them to the house so they would not move in the wind

Our builder ordered all the barn door hardware for the house off Amazon

Most of our lighting in the house came from IKEA!

The other 25% of the lights came from Costco :)

We used a local builder who also does many remodels when not working on a new-build.  This was by-far the best decision we made in the process.  He was not the "TOP" builder in the area and not well-known, but he did a great job teaching us along the way, offering his expertise, and was available ANY time we needed him!

The house was built for about $73/sq. ft- this included the water well and septic system.

Things we have added since completion that were not included- concrete in front of the garage, sidewalks, concrete flowerbed barriers, gutters, an asphalt driveway, backyard fence, security system through Simply Safe, and sod.

To my babies:  I want you to be proud of your home and know the amount of love, work, and time went into making is as perfect as possible for you to grow up and make memories here!

How did we end up here? Our Journey to Financial Peace

January 2018

How did we get here?  Raising two kids in a house that looks like a barn and making enough money to support our family by doing taxes, bookkeeping, accounting, & consulting out of our house???

I know it all sounds a little crazy, and OH what a crazy ride it has been! But really, how the heck did we get here?!?

Here is the short(ish) and sweet version:😉

Carson and I met in college in our very first accounting class.  He was on the path to becoming a CPA after graduation, and I was on the path to "I want to work for myself one day and have lots of money." Haha! He has always been very practical and I have always been a BIG dreamer!

We went on our very first date on Valentines Day in 2008, and we were pretty inseparable after that (pretty annoying to all of our friends😀).  Carson was planning to attend graduate school after completing his undergraduate degree so that he could get his Masters in Accounting and sit for the CPA exam.  I had no real concrete plans so I decided to stick around and applied to grad school to get my MBA(luckily I got accepted after taking the GMAT a couple of times).

We both graduated with our Masters in 2011 and moved to Dallas, TX.  Carson worked in a big accounting firm in Dallas and I took a job at AmeriDream working in mortgage while I tried to figure out what I really wanted to do...

We moved into our first apartment together, got engaged in 2012, and got married in Ireland in 2013! After our wedding we backpacked through Europe for a month(SUCH an awesome experience!).  The entire time we were traveling, we were dreaming of the day that we could quit our jobs and travel around the world forever like gypsies :)  Needless to say, we were absolutely dreading having to go back home and get back to the real world when our adventure was over.

We were both in pretty big shock once we had been working our "real" jobs for a few years, and we were not very happy.  It felt like a LOT of work with very little reward.  We had very little time off and we lived for the weekends. It felt to me that we did it all the "right" way and should have been super over-the-moon happy, but that was not the case! We did it all in the right order (school, graduation, good jobs, marriage) and stuck to the plan, but it didn't feel like it was the right thing.

Every spare moment we had, we dreamed of making a BIG change sometime in the future.  We wanted to work for ourselves, set our own schedules, and have lots of time to enjoy our lives.  The problem was, it did not feel like it was really attainable.  It felt more like a dream. It also seemed like we were the only people that felt so unhappy in this "American Dream".  Why was everyone else happy to exist in this daily rat race?? Maybe WE were the crazy ones...?

The biggest hurdle we had to face was our finances.  How could we ever quit our jobs with all of our monthly payments? We had student loans, credit cards, two car loans, a mortgage... We felt trapped in the jobs we hated, but the truth was we had done that to ourselves.  We had leveraged ourselves so much that we had no options but to stay put.

It was then that we found Dave Ramsey.  Carson had always been intruiged by him, but I had never really wanted to hear about it. However, being in this place where I felt trapped changed my mind.  We listened to his book The Total Money Makeover together every night, chapter by chapter.  The book completely changed our attitudes and we got fired up to make some BIG changes!

We worked our butts off that year during tax season and made lots of extra money to pay off some of our debt and we lived off of almost nothing every month.  No eating out.  No money spent on entertainment.  No new clothes.  No going to Target(😩).  All we did was work and budget!

We wanted to get even more crazy with this new plan so we down-graded both of our cars as much as we possibly could with the negative equity we had on them both.  We both were driving our "dream cars" at the time and it was not easy to give those up. Making these changes saved us about $450 a month and we started using that extra to pay off more debt.

Next, we put our house on the market and decided we would move to a small {cheap} apartment rather than pouring extra money into our house.  We had been having one problem after the next with the old "fixer-upper" that we had bought right before we got married. It was quickly becoming a money-pit that we had not been prepared to fund.  We had put a lot of work into the house and it looked completely different from when we moved in. I had a feeling that we would get some equity out of it when we sold, but I had no clue what an awesome decision we were making.  When the realtor told us how much to list it for, we were shocked.  We had 20 showings in the first day and many offers come in.  We walked away from that sale with a $55,000 check!  We were so giddy walking out of that title company.  I will never forget that feeling! We deposited that bad-boy and used alllll of the money to pay off debt, keeping only a small "emergency fund".

We moved into a small, old, cheap apartment on the 3rd floor (the higher up you are, the less you pay). We lived there for 4 months before I got pregnant.  Things quickly got real when we had pregnancy complications and I was put on bed-rest around 20 weeks.  We started looking for reasonably priced homes close-by to move in to before the baby arrived and found nothing in our budget.  I stumbled across a new home development wayyyy out of the way of our jobs and convinced Carson to go look.  The homes they were building were very inexpensive compared to the homes we had been looking at.  The drive to both of our jobs would be much further, but we felt like this was the best option we had seen.  They told us the next day that we should make a decision because prices would rise on Monday. I knew they were not lying and Carson was convinced they were just trying to get us to sign on the house. We talked and talked and talked about it and decided to DO IT!  We signed the paper work and the next day all of the home prices went up by $20,000!

We moved into our house a week before our first baby was born, and we only lived there 14 months before we sold again and made $15,000 on the sale!  That was a crazy 14 months with a new baby and two stressful jobs.  The drive to Carson's office was terrible and he hardly saw us for months during tax season.

We were sitting on the porch one night drinking wine and watching the baby monitor when the "plan" was formed.  Carson had been working his butt off for about 2 years helping running the small CPA firm he worked at.  When he switched jobs from the large CPA firm in Dallas we thought the work-life balance would be better, however that was not the case.  The owner of the new firm was wanted to retire and found Carson to be more-than-capable of running the firm while he traveled and worked wayyy less. Though this was very disappointing at the time with a new baby at home, it was actually what changed everything for us.

Carson gained SO much experience and confidence in his abilities while running that firm. He was involved in everything from getting new clients to billing.  He had the opportunity to see all sides of the business and finally said to me that night, "I think I am ready to do it on my own".  I had mentioned many times over the years that we could start our own accounting firm one day, and we had dreamed about it together lots over the years.  However, this was the first time ever hearing Carson was on board! It took him a while to get there, but he was finally there and he was ready to GO!

That is when we decided to put the house on the market and move out of the city.  We Fort Worth was not the place for us to start a business and it was not the place we wanted to raise our family.  Our house sold quickly and we moved in with my Mom in Decatur.  Moving in with your Mom when you are married and have a 1-year-old is NOT ideal, but it was the only way for us to have enough money to make our next steps. We chose yet again to make ourselves uncomfortable for a short time and sacrifice so that in the future we could be more comfortable (and now we are so glad we did).

My job was flexible at the time and I was able to work from anywhere so the move was not an issue for my job.  However, Carson did have to quit his job.  My salary was enough for us to live on and Carson could start the business while I worked since he no longer had a job. BUT... a wrench was thrown in the plan when Carson got a job offer from his old firm.  They offered him the opportunity to work part-time (30 hours)from home exclusively.  The play-it-safe part of him could not refuse the offer so he took the job.

We lived with my mom for 10 months both working 70+ hours a week in a small corner in the house.  We saved a ton of money up and worked nights on our new business{after we put our 1-year-old to bed}.  We officially started our accounting firm, Sands Co., in the summer of 2016.  Carson worked his butt off balancing two jobs  and I worked on our next move--our new home AND location of the first Sands Co. office. {It is interesting to note that the first tax season in the books for Sands Co. involved a desk in a corner of my Mom's house and a few business cards.}

I drew up the plans for a home with an attached office for Sands Co. Carson took a glimpse and it and said "good with me".  Haha! I figured out all of the details to make the plans a reality {that's a whole long story in itself}, and worked on that while Carson worked on the business.

We moved out of my Mom's house in May of 2017 and both quit our other jobs to focus fully on Sands Co. in July 2017.

Here we are today, August 2018.  We have added another sweet baby to our family and we have been 100% self-employed for over a year!  Our business is thriving and we are on track to make more than we ever did in our old jobs in 2019!  We have an awesome work-life balance and are able to spend lots of quality time with our little family 💓

I tear up a little just reading through this.  It is so emotional to relive all of the steps it took to get here.  It may look like it was easy from the outside looking in, but it absolutely was not.  We made a lot of difficult decisions in order to get here, and i am SO HAPPY WE DID.

So to my sweet babies...if you ever wonder how you ended up living in a house that looks like a barn in Decatur Texas with two parents who work 2 feet from each other in an office by the kitchen......This is the story.  This is Us 💓 I hope this makes you proud and teaches you to work toward your dreams even if they feel like they are completely impossible.

- Love Mom

Slate at 8 Months

Our Slate Rowan is Eight. Months. Old!

It sounds so weird saying it out loud because my mind cannot wrap around the fact that 8 months have passed since our guy came into this world. It is sad that my little baby boy is not so little any more and he does not want to be held like a baby (already!). Yet, the past few months have definitely not been easy. I feel we have had very many obstacles to overcome and still have more.  Following a stressful pregnancy and early delivery, we have had a NICU stay, physical development delays, a leukemia scare, terrible reflux, a milk protein allergy, middle of the night ER trip, and probably more that I do not even remember....  All that on top of the normal baby things like teething, waking up in the middle of the night, pumping breastmilk, shots,  napping schedules, feeding strikes, etc.

To say the least, I am happy to have that behind us and hope to be heading into less-stressful times in the coming months.  Never do I want to wish away these moments, but it is hard not to do so when you feel your baby is in pain or not happy.  This boy is COMPLETELY different from his sister as a baby. He is serious and temperamental and very opinionated!  He can be happy one minute and mad as ever the next. He loves Mom, Dad, and Saylor, but really only tolerates other people. HAHA!

It has been such a whirlwind these past few months and I have wanted to write out as many details as possible this first year so I can look back here when I (inevitably) forget these tiny details, but here I am at 8 MONTHS doing it for the first time. Mom of the Year, right?!?  Haha! I am just going to choose to give myself some grace here and know that I am doing the best I can during this season :).  (because I really don't have another choice, right?!)

Sleep

Slate has been sleeping through the night since about 3.5 months!  Sleeping 12 hours a night since then with pretty much ZERO setbacks. Teething, being sick, etc. does not seem to affect his nighttime sleep.  {Thank goodness}  He occasionally wakes up 30 minutes early but doesn't bother us at night!  He sleeps 7-7 every night.  He was sleeping on his back in the Magic Merlin sleep suit, however last week he decided to roll to his tummy (in the suit) and sleep.  We then decided to take him out of the suit and let him sleep in just his PJs and a sleep sack.  It didn't seem to bother him a bit and he sleeps just fine now without the suit, rolling all over the crib all night.  HAHA

Teeth

We got our first tooth this week(bottom right tooth) and it was a doozy!! We did ALL the "natural" remedies and nothing helped take the pain away except a Motrin and Tylenol combination.  However, the tooth is through and now the one right beside it is popping through also!

Weight

about 18 pounds! He us SO tall and skinny--taking after Dad!

Eating

We started BLW right at 6 months and have also been doing puree's. I would say just once a day we offer a solid and the rest of the day he eats veggie purees.  We have chosen NOT to offer fruit or anything sweet until sometime after he turns one.  We want to see if this will help him learn to like veggies, unlike his sister who just likes mostly fruit.  We will see... :)

We are still on Nanny Care Goat Milk formula, which is costing us a small fortune each month. $455 to be exact.  This month we tried to switch to a cheaper formula (still goat milk) and it went horribly! Slate was miserable and refused to eat the new formula after a few days on it.  Probably because he was vomiting up most of it :(.  Poor guy.  I felt terrible for even trying it just to save some money. He is back on the Nanny Care and back to eating again though.

He currently eats 4 bottles a day:  7-11-3-7 PM.  He eats 4-6 ounces for the first 3 bottles and 8 right before bed. He is pretty hard to feed a bottle these days because he wants to move around so much!

Skills

Slate just started sitting up at 7 months and is still a bit wobbly now at 8.  He can now roll both ways but he really is just chill being in one spot and not rolling around all over the place.  We go to physical therapy once  week since he is behind physically, but he has made a lot of improvement between 7 and 8 months so we are happy he is finally improving! He has low muscle tone and we are hoping that the new skills will help with that.  We plan to reassess at 9 months and see if we need to continue therapy. For now, our PT has us constantly put him in the "crawl" position to help him get a feel for that next milestone.

Personality

Slate is a very grumpy baby, but he has the BEST BIGGEST smile when he is happy!  We all try and kiss the grump out of him daily, even Saylor!  I plan to tell him about all this when he is older and has a grumpy baby of his own!  HAHA!

Waketimes

He can now stay awake for about 3 hours each time and even a bit longer before bed-- normally 3.5 or 4 hours before bed.

Schedule

What has worked best for us now is a 2-3-4 schedule since we have gone to 2 naps!

7:30- wake and bottle 1(6 ounces)

9:00- eat solids

9:30-11:00: Nap 1

11:30- Bottle 2(6 ish ounces)

1:30- eat solids

2:00-3:30: Nap 2

3:30- Bottle 3(6 ish ounces)

5:00- eat solids

7:00- Bottle(#4)and then straight down for bed (8 ounces)

Naps

Oh this guy does NOT like to nap!  I thought by now he would be napping consistently...NOPE.  We are down to two naps, but they generally are only 1 hour each and 1.5 the second one if we are lucky.  I was stressing about this since Saylor napped so well, but now I am just going to let it go and chalk it up to sleep needs.  I guess his is lower than Saylor :).  We have tried everything in the {Babywise} book and NO success.  I surrender.  LOL

Favorite Toys

He loves his jumper and his toy car right now.  He is SO crazy in his jumper!  We tried the pink car for a walk this week and he didn't seem to LOVE it, but he didn't cry....so I'll call that a win!

Loves

Sweet potatoes, music, sitting in Dad's lap while he plays piano, watching Saylor, teething crackers, baths with sister, standing up on his feet, "talking" really loud, PEANUT BUTTER, Lola, anything Mom does in a high-pitched voice, "dancing" to get our attention when we are not paying attention to him.

Other

We tried taking him off Zantac for his reflux this month and it was a complete DISASTER!  Per our pediatrician, we will try again at 9 months!