Building a Barndominum: The Process

Building a new home isn't for the faint of heart (especially when you are trying to build something rather unique, but don't let the fear of the unknown intimidate you!

This home all started with a simple thought and took off with lots of research!  Don't let it all overwhelm you, just take it one step at a time. :)  And have lots of patience!

Know your Budget

Most people do NOT know what their budget should be when buying or building a home.  

If this is the case, it is good to first meet with a mortgage Loan Officer to see what amount of mortgage you qualify for so that you know what your budget looks like and what you will actually get approved for.
We knew we wanted to keep our mortgage payment low so that number was our starting place.  Though we COULD qualify for more, it is usually not a good idea to get the MAX you will qualify for.  The mortgage company will qualify you for an amount that is based on your debt and your GROSS income (the amount before taxes are taken out).  That does not include things you pay for like groceries, daycare, utilities(in most cases), gas, cable, internet, etc.  So, keep that in mind when deciding on your budget, because you certainly do not want to be house poor!  

Once you have met with a bank (or made other financing arrangements) then you can move forward knowing where you stand with your building budget.

Find the Land

This may be the most difficult part of the process for you, or it could be the easiest step! 

In our case, we already land and knew where we would build. That was the easy part! 

Finding land can be difficult depending on where you live, however I know most people who consider building already have land or know where they want to build. If you don’t, you are going to want to consider looking outside of heavily populated areas to get a reasonable price. This could mean extending your commute to work, so lots of things to consider! You can absolutely get with a realtor to help you search for land in your area.

The land is important if you plan to finance your home because if it is paid for, it can serve as your down payment at closing. Just like if you were to buy an existing home, you must bring a certain amount of money to closing (which all depends on the type of home loan you are using). This is a percentage of the total home+land value. If you have already purchased your land and own it outright then you have what you need to get started and probably have most (if not all) of the down-payment you need. 

*I will write a separate post on the construction loan process since it is a whole long thing in itself. 😃

Decide on specifications: material, size, number of rooms, etc.

If you have gotten to this step then I bet you already know what you want to build, or at least have a very good idea. Barndominiums are all about building a home the most cost efficient way. Because it is completely custom, you may choose to upgrade certain items that are not necessarily the most cost efficient choice, but are worth the extra expense for you. For instance, we chose to do granite counter tops in our kitchen rather than something a bit cheaper, like laminate. That was something we preferred to upgrade. 

This is the step where you should make a list of items you know you want. (flooring type, rooms, types of cabinets, etc.). We had a list of MUST haves and a list of MAYBES. Once we asked the builder about the pricing for our MAYBE list then we decided if it was necessary.  Being SUPER organized here will help you out a lot in the long run.  You cannot get an accurate quote for building your home if you do not know all the specifics. So, do your research and try to be as specific as possible on your list. 

This list is what you will use to meet with your builder. You will meet with potential builders and say,  "I am looking to build a home that looks something like this (show a picture) with siding and a composite roof, 3 car garage, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, and concrete floors." They need a GOOD idea of how the finish-out will be if they are going to give you a GOOD price estimate.  Price per square foot should vary a GREAT deal between a barndominium and other custom-builds that include lots of nice finishes.  Make sure you are getting an accurate price!  We had to meet with MANY builders in order to get someone to give us an accurate price based on our selections. 

Obtain House plans

There are SO many ways to get house plans now with the internet. You can go the traditional route and use an architect if you know a good one. However, this is the most expensive route which isn't the best when building a barndominium. Architects also usually charge by square footage which was what was an issue for us since we were building a LARGE box. HAHA!

You can find a LOT of plans online and purchase them that way and it is much cheaper. We actually ended up drawing out our plans ourselves and our builder was able to create a formal plan from that. He was also able to help us change up things that we weren't sure on since he had that experience. This cost us nothing extra for him to help us with that. So, it is worth asking your builder if they could do that for you! Keep in mind that you DO have to have actual house plans for the bank if you are getting a construction loan. 

Find a builder

Do yourself a favor and meet with a LOT of builders. Look on local groups in Facebook and find builders who normally build more cost-efficient homes NOT mansions. The large builders will not give you the time of day and they will give you a ridiculous price to build your home. 

We met with several who were just not interested in building what WE wanted. We then found a local builder who mostly worked on remodels, but built a few custom homes per year. When we met with him we KNEW that was our best option. He gave us an EXACT cost after he sat down with us and calculated EVERYTHING. His bid would NOT change unless we made changes. Since we were on a tight budget, we were so happy to hear this. He stuck to that price and we only increased it a bit during the build with some decisions we made. Make SURE your builder gives you a set price, we have heard way too many horror stories about builds increasing tens of THOUSANDS above the initial bid. 

Find a bank that offers construction loans

You will need to search local banks to find a lender to do a construction loan on a barndominium.  Construction loans are much different than your traditional mortgage and not all banks offer them. Depending on the material of the exterior of your home (metal vs. siding) the loan rules will differ so make sure to tell them if your home will be metal. Construction loans are different from traditional mortgage loans in many ways so you need a bank that does them often so that they know what they are doing. Time is money when you have a construction loan. Each month you will pay an interest payment until the loan is converted to permanent financing so you want to make sure the bank isn't holding up the process. 

Obtain a land survey if needed

If you do not own a current survey of the land, you will need to get one done for the bank. This will be one of the things they need to get started on the loan. 

Complete construction loan (items needed for completion: plans, appraisal, etc)

Once you have gathered all the loan documents along with the survey and house plans, the bank will do an appraisal of the land and the plans of the home you will be building. When the appraisal has been completed and the loan has been approved, you will close on the construction loan and then you can begin construction!!

Break ground on your new house!

You will turn paperwork into the bank each time you need money for each step of construction. The first bank draw is usually very large to get started. This will cover the pad and foundation. During the process the bank will make sure you are on budget and they will do random drive-by inspections to see if the builder has done what you have taken money for. 

Building process

You will let the bank know when the builder is close to completion and they will do a final inspection and get you ready to convert the new loan to a permanent loan. Once the home is complete you will do all the paperwork for the new loan and close on the permanent loan (once again) at a title company. (NOTE: Some banks DO have the option for you to do a ONE TIME CLOSE where you do not have to close twice. Make sure to ask them about that option).

DONE!

It took our builder about 5 months to build our home, which was right on schedule!  It took an additional 5 months to complete the land clearing, survey, construction loan, etc.  So the paperwork took about the same amount of time as the house!  It was a frustrating beginning, but once the builder got the green light it was actually a very quick process. Make sure to ask each builder what their timeline to build is and what happens if they go way over that.  I have heard of builders taking double the amount of time, which is craziness!

Hope all this helps!

Happy Building!

Building our house: What we did WRONG-ish!

We have been in our home for {almost}3 years now and there are many many things we are happy with, but there are also a few things we wish we did differently.

If you have ever build a home and you DON'T have anything you would change after the fact...TEACH ME YOUR WAYS! Haha!

Many of our decisions we made were MERELY due to the budget, and we are happy that we stuck to our plan and kept our mortgage low.  We put most of our money into the size of our house knowing that additional square footage would be the hardest thing to add later on.  We know we will slowly upgrade the finishes over the years and add things that simply were not in the budget at the time.

Things we will be adding in the next few years: custom cabinetry/built-ins throughout, plantation shutters, shiplap walls, outdoor grilling area, entry fence and gate.

For now, here are the things we wish we would have done differently when we built our home.  (In no particular order).

1. CEILING HEIGHT
We knew from living in our previous home that ceiling height makes a HUGE difference!  Tall ceilings can make even a tiny room feel big!  We did tall ceilings throughout the entire downstairs of our home, but we decided to go with a shorter ceiling height upstairs.  We wish we would have done a foot higher on the upstairs ceilings.  They are 8ft ceilings and we wish they were 9tf now. I think if you are used to very tall ceilings, it is hard to go back to something shorter.  For this reason, we wish we would have spent the extra money to add some height upstairs as well.

2. WATER LINE FOR COFFEE MAKER
If you are big coffee drinkers, definitely have your builder add a waterline for your coffee maker! We are so mad we didn't think of this for our coffee bar!  It would have been very inexpensive to add and would've saved us a lot of time considering we make coffee 3 times a day!!

3. LAUNDRY CHUTE
We went back and forth on this and ultimately decided not to have a laundry chute, but now we wish we had one!  If you have kids and a two story home, you should absolutely have a laundry chute! If you plan around it, the cost isn't very much.  We definitely chose wrong here!

4. INSULATION IN GARAGE
I'm not sure what the exact cost was to include spray foam insulation in the garage like we did in the rest of the house, but I'm sure it wasn't very much!  We opted out of this to save money, but we find that we use the garage a TON during the summer and wish it was insulated like the rest of our home.  The garage gets HOT in the Texas heat!!!  The rest of our home stays so nice and cool even without blasting the AC so this would have been money well spent.

5. LIVING ROOM FLOOR PLUG
This is purely a personal opinion.  We added a floor plug in our foundations to use in the middle of our living room and to this day have NEVER used it. We have plenty of plugs on the walls and really have no desire to run a cord underneath our living room rug.  So, for that reason we wish we would have saved the couple of hundred dollars it cost to include the floor plus in our foundation.

6. MUDROOM SINK
We SO wish we would have added a very small 1/2 bath with a sink in our mudroom so we could have the kids wash hand right as they walk in from outside.  The cost of the toilet and sink would have been very little and we have plenty of space in our mudroom for a small closet size 1/2 bath. Many people add sinks in their laundry room, but we feel we would use a sink by the back door MUCH more.  We totally wish we had thought of that!

7. IN-SET BACK PORCH
I'm not exactly sure what else to call this and can't really find a specific name...so I am calling it "in-set".  This is where the house comes on either side of the back porch and surrounds it.  This creates a little blocked off area for the back porch.  We recently noticed many of the new homes being built have used this design and we really wish we would have thought of it!  It provides a nicer back porch that is more sheltered from the elements and can be used more times of the day. To do this, we simply would have needed to expand two of our rooms by a few feet and incorporate it into our layout. We think the extra cost would have totally been worth it considering it would be very difficult and expensive to add now.

8. OUTDOOR WATER FAUCETS
We did not specify where we wanted water faucets outside or how many we wanted. We ended up with one on the front of the house and one on the side of the house.  We have NO water facet in our backyard! Though we can reach the one of the east side of our house, it is a pain and we wish we would have specified where we wanted them and how many.

9. EXTERIOR LIGHTS
We don't very many exterior lights on the front of our house and wish we would have added a few more considering where we live is very dark at night!

10. COMMERCIAL-GRADE GARBAGE DISPOSAL
When we built our house, our builder installed a very low-grade garbage disposal.  It stopped working (even with very light and proper use) after a little over a year.  When we replaced it, we upgraded to a commercial grade disposal that should last "forever" (we were told).  I wish we would have just installed a nice one from the beginning.  They actually aren't very expensive and it works like a CHAMP!

For the most part, I think we did a good job balancing our wants and our budget when we built our home. I'm sure there are a few other small things I am not thinking of here, but these are the major things we wish we would have done differently!

Building Our House: What we did right (Part 2)

I began making a list of the things we wish we did differently and came up with some additional things we did "right".  These are definitely things to consider if you are building so I didn't want to leave them out!

Though they may seem like minor things, they are small things that we feel make a big difference!

Now, had our budget been unlimited....all of these lists would be different!  Hahaha!

However, these are great lists for anyone building a home on a tight budget like we did.  (Of course some of these are great for our family and may not be for every family)
Doggie door in laundry room-- If you have a dog, it is always a good plan to PLAN for that dog in your home!  We wanted our small dog to be able to go outside on her own, but also wanted a place to put her when we left for several hours.  We chose the laundry room so we could shut the door and she would have a sheltered space while we were gone. It is much simpler to put one in during the building process then doing it after the fact. We bought one at Lowe's and our builder installed it for free.  Never hurts to ask!  It is a simple request so the builder probably won't even charge you for it!

Nursery/bedroom adjacent to Master bedroom-- When we built our home we were in the process of growing our family, so we planned our house for more babies!  In our old home the Master was downstairs and all additional rooms were all upstairs. That seemed great until we had our first baby and her nursery was upstairs.  Those night wakings were a mini midnight-workout! For that reason, we wanted this house to have one bedroom RIGHT beside the master to be used for the nursery.  We moved baby #2 out when we had baby #3 so she could be right by us, and it has been AWESOME.  It gives us our room to ourselves at night with also having the baby only STEPS from our room. 

Playroom by the kitchen-- Our playroom is right by the kitchen meaning that you can see into the playroom while standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes.  This is GOLDEN in the state of life we are in right now!  Later on down the road we will change the room to a study or library.

Two living spaces-- We have a formal living room downstairs and a family living room upstairs. We have loved this so that we have a "cozy" living area for family time upstairs that is carpeted (and covered with toys), and a formal living room downstairs for when we have guests. Later on we will have one for the kids and their friends to use and one for us adults.

Plugs for TVs-- We went room by room and decided where we would put TVs with our builder.  We put electrical outsets up high on those walls so we could mount our TVs with no cords showing.  This was no additional charge, just planning.

Space(square footage) distribution-- We chose to do smaller bedrooms and larger family spaces.  We want to encourage lots of family time so we chose to put the money(square footage) into those spaces. Our bedrooms aren't tiny, but also they don't have unnecessary space. We made the common spaces (kitchen, living, dining, etc.) larger with more square footage devoted to those.

Christmas tree closet-- We put a closet right under our stairs that is for our Christmas tree!  We take all the ornaments off each year but we do not collapse the tree and put it into a box (because I loathe fluffing the tree).  We just put the assembled tree in that closet and take the top piece off so it will fit (height-wise).  You may not care about fluffing a tree, but you should definitely plan where you will store decor in your home if you like to have seasonal decor.

Large storage closet-- If you have kids, this is SO nice to have!  We have a 10x8 storage closet upstairs for all the things.  It has been great for luggage, ski gear, baby clothes, etc. and I know it will always be useful!

Coffee Bar-- We extended our kitchen cabinetry to the dining area for a coffee bar.  It was not very expensive to add this, anf it was money well spent!  It added a great deal of storage for things used less often (like serving dishes, cake stand, etc.) and a dedicated place for coffee and drink preparation. 

Master Bathroom and Closets -- We have two closets in our master bathroom (necessity), but the actual bathroom itself is pretty small.  It has all the necessary stuff (like a toilet closet, freestanding tub, and shower), but it is not super spacious.  For that reason, we planned to put a makeup vanity and chair in my closet.  To plan for that, we just had our builder put an outlet in the closet so I could plug in my hair dryer, curling iron, etc.  Once we moved it, we installed an IKEA vanity on one of the walls.  It's been perfect and I love having the dedicated space so our counter top is (mostly) clutter-free. I think it is always a good idea to have an outlet in both master closets to use for lots of things (chargers, clothes steamer, etc.).

Claw-foot tub-- We ordered our tub on Wayfair for a great deal!  We didn't like the price-tag of the Jacuzzi tub and didn't want to have to deal with the maintenance on it.  The claw-foot tub was inexpensive, makes a big impact, and is awesome for soaking since it is SO deep!!

 Fingerprint-resistant appliances-- If you have kids....then you know why!  Frigidaire makes a series called "gallery" that is fingerprint resistant.  The appliances are affordable and the stainless stays looking nice even with little fingers all over them!

Dedicated trashcan drawer in kitchen-- We put a trashcan drawer in our island right by the kitchen sink.  It is in a perfect place for use and it gets the trashcan out of sight.  win-win!!!

Pantry deep-freeze-- We planed a dedicated spot in our pantry to put a small deep freezer.  I'm not sure what we would do without the extra space and love having it so accessible. Make sure to put plenty of outlets in the pantry!

I'm sure I'll think of some more I missed!  If I do, I will go back and add them :)

Building Our House: What we did RIGHT!

If you’ve ever built a house, you know there will always(no matter how much thought you put into it) be some things you wish you did differently when it is all said and done.

I’ll share what we did "right" first and follow up with another post later on “what we did wrong” or what we wished we did differently. Many of these are personal preferences and don’t apply if you are building a home on a very LARGE budget :). Many of our choices were limited to price, so we focused on things that would be easy to change in the future vs. things that wouldn't be easy to change.

THE SPACE
We wanted to put a lot of our budget into the square footage of our home. We were in the process of growing our family and knew that we needed SPACE for all the kiddos we were going to have. It is pretty expensive to add a room or two down the road, so we started with the space we knew we would need and spent less on the interior finish-out (flooring, crown molding, built-ins, etc.). It is very easy to upgrade finishes later on down the road. For instance you can easily add a ship-lap accent wall or change out a light fixture WAY easier than you can add an entire room to your home. For that reason, we chose to focus on the space first.

THE BUDGET
Our builder used a fixed-price budget. That means, once we sat down and discussed every little detail of the house, he gave us a price and that price could not change unless WE made any changes. We added a small handful of things once given the price, but were able to stay right on budget. There were no surprises or sudden changes by the builder. That is NOT always the case to be mindful of that and ask for a fixed-price contract

TANK-LESS HOT WATER HEATER
This is something our builder suggested and we thought sounded amazing! We ended up doing the tank-less hot water heater and have LOVED it for almost 3 years now. This means, you basically never run out of hot water. Everyone can take a shower at the same time while also washing clothes or doing laundry and you do not run out of hot water! How did we ever live without this!?!?!?

CLOSETS
In EVERY free space we had in our plans, we added another closet. This has been amazing!! We have 10 closets that are NOT for clothes! It has been a lifesaver with so many kids and alllll the things. We store linens, toys, crafts, cleaning supplies, board games, coats, outdoor toys, etc. in all those extra spaces! When in doubt, add a closet!

THREE CAR GARAGE
We really wanted an extra space in our garage for lawn equipment and kid toys, but it was very difficult to get an answer on the price of a 2 vs. 3 car garage. None of the builders we met with could break it down for us??? Finally, the builder we chose was able to give us pricing and it was not much AT ALL to add the extra garage space! I am SO glad we did because we use EVERY bit of that additional space. It currently holds 230948209374 children’s riding toys. :)

SPRAY FOAM INSULATION
This costs a bit more than your traditional insulation, but our builder highly recommended it for the size of our house. We researched and agreed it would be worth it, and we were right! We have about 3700 sq ft of living space and our electricity bills are SO LOW! Even in the worst months of the year they are low. Everything is insulated so well with the spray foam! Highly recommend!

CONCRETE FLOORS
This was something we chose mainly because we wanted to stay in our budget. We priced flooring for such a large space and it was a LOT. We decided to just use our bare concrete and pay to put something down later on when we saved up for it (rather than rolling it into the mortgage). SO so glad we did! We absolutely love our floors and don't plan to change them anytime soon. We get the most compliments on the floors (shockingly)! We always have the option in the future to put tile, carpet, wood, etc. down very easily!

LOW GRADE CARPET
We chose a very cheap in-stock carpet from Lowe’s for the upstairs flooring since we could not (obviously) do concrete. We chose a mid-range pad, but one of the very lowest carpet choices. We have been more than happy with the carpet and are glad is was super inexpensive due to the current stage of life we are in. With a dog and three very small children, we have had many accidents already and I know many more to come. When they are all older we plan to replace the carpet with something “fancier” like hardwood. Our bathrooms upstairs have in-stock tile from Lowe's also and still look super trendy (IMO)!

BLACK DOORS
When I asked our builder how much it would be if we wanted BLACK doors instead of white doors, he looked at me like I was a little crazy! Hahah! He laughed and said it didn’t cost any extra for black paint vs. white paint so he would do whatever we wanted. Our budget didn’t allow for anything but the basic looking interior doors since there were so many, SO I decided we could add some character with black paint. I really love them and think they do add a lot of character to our home! May not be for everyone, but it is a great option if you want to add character with no additional cost! One day we will replace the doors with “fancier” doors, but for now I love the black!

BIG PANTRY
If you have a large family, you need a large walk-in pantry! We put two outlets in the pantry and have a small deep-freeze and a microwave inside. It is nothing fancy (I promise), but it is SO functional!

ELECTRIC FIREPLACE
We opted for a built-in electric fireplace instead of a traditional fireplace mainly for the cost. It is very expensive to add a chimney and to add tile or rock around a fireplace, chimney, and hearth. We thought the sleek fireplace went well with our style and liked that having it in the wall saved a lot of space in the living room. No need to worry about the kids climbing on it or burning themselves with the electric fireplace. It heats the entire room, adds a good ambiance, and looks super modern. Not for everyone, but something to consider if you want to save a good chunk of money!

KITCHEN DRAWERS
Our kitchen is nothing fancy, but we were able to add certain drawers and cabinets to our layout when planning it out. We chose to do a pull-out drawer for a large trash can right by the sink and do lots of storage drawers vs. cabinets. The drawers are super functional and I am glad we thought to add those. It didn’t really change the cost, just the look and function of the kitchen.

MUDROOM
This is the first house we have ever had a mudroom in and it has been awesome!!! We don’t have fancy lockers or anything in there, but we do have LOTS of hooks for jackets and bags, a bench, and TWO closets!

What are some things you did that you are SO glad you did???

House Plans & Commonly Asked Questions!

Many of you have asked to see our house plans so I am finally getting them posted so you can check them out!  

I drew our house on a sheet of white copy paper the day we decided we were going to DO THE THING! From there, we quickly got the ball rolling with just the simple drawing I created(so don't think you need fancy prints to get started!). 

The exterior of a barndominium is typically square or rectangle because it is easier and less expensive to build a simple shape. Knowing we were going to do a large rectangle, I simply drew in all the rooms and where I wanted them to go.  Every time I had an awkward "free" space, I just put another closet there!

Tip:  You can NEVER have too many closets! 

We met with many builders to find one to build our home.  The builder who we ultimately used to build the house only needed a "rough draft" set of house plans.  He then took that rough draft and made official plans for us to give to the bank for our construction loan. He also gave them to the individual contractors to work off of during construction.  Those are the large plans you see with lots of numbers, grid, etc!

We thought we would have to spend $1-3K on house plans, but our builder offered that service included in his price! When he told us that, we were SO glad we hadn't paid for house plans yet.

Takeaway:  Ask around and see if a local builder offers this service so you can save some money!

Here are all the fine details!

4 bedrooms

4 bathrooms

2 living rooms(1 upstairs and 1 downstairs)

1 playroom

1 home office

3 car garage

10 extra closets that are NOT for clothes 🙌

His and Hers closets in Master Bath

HUGE pantry

Laundry room

Mudroom

3700 square foot of living space

Hardie-siding exterior

Concrete floors on entire first floor

Granite counter tops in the kitchen

Foam insulation used throughout

Tank-less hot water heater (has been AMAZING)

Custom paint-grade kitchen cabinets made by a local carpenter

Ikea vanities in all bathrooms built by Yours Truly(me!)

Carpet on second floor with tile in bathrooms

All tile and carpet used was basic in-stock selection from Lowe's

All Paint used was by Sherwin Williams with the builder bulk-discount

Composite roof

1 Large covered back patio

The cupola on top of the house is fake and just for looks(people ask us if you can climb up in there all the time!)

The barn doors on the exterior were made by our builder and are not functioning because he fixed them to the house so they would not move in the wind

Our builder ordered all the barn door hardware for the house off Amazon

Most of our lighting in the house came from IKEA!

The other 25% of the lights came from Costco :)

We used a local builder who also does many remodels when not working on a new-build.  This was by-far the best decision we made in the process.  He was not the "TOP" builder in the area and not well-known, but he did a great job teaching us along the way, offering his expertise, and was available ANY time we needed him!

The house was built for about $73/sq. ft- this included the water well and septic system.

This home was an absolute labor of LOVE.  We worked hard to find a builder who would work with us on price and take the time to budget EACH item.  We had many questions (like how much does it add to the price if we do a 3 car garage instead of a 2 car garage).

All of the other builders we found simply wanted to give us a HUGE price tag due to the size of the home we were wanting to build.  They didn't want to break out all of the costs for us so that we could decide if it was a "need" or a "want".  

Do your research and KNOW what your home SHOULD cost before you get started interviewing builders.  If they quote you double what you think it should be, walk away and keep interviewing. 

Things we have added since completion that were not included- concrete in front of the garage, sidewalks, concrete flowerbed barriers, gutters, an asphalt driveway, backyard fence, security system through Simply Safe, sprinkler system, and sod.

We had to remove the balcony due to the cost **:(

**We decreased the size of the back patio a bit to save some money and moved the entire back wall of the house in several feet(not shown here).  Both to save money

**The bedroom #2 was cut down to a LARGE storage closet instead of a bedroom to stay on budget.  

Postpartum Depression

My third pregnancy was difficult.  The anatomy scans weren't great.  Baby girl wasn't growing properly. There wasn't much amniotic fluid. So many people commented on how "small" I was not knowing my baby wasn't growing properly.  I visited the MFM doctor very frequently for months.
I was sick for the first 20 weeks.  My blood pressure would dip so low I would pass out.  My husband was working his butt off during tax season so I drove myself to appointments an hour away every few days. We had a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old at home relying on us already.  It was a tough 9 months. 

It wasn't a surprise pregnancy.  It was actually planned out around tax season. This baby would be born in the summer during our slowest time of year so that we could navigate the newborn months together. I had always been pretty much solo after the baby was born so my husband could work, but this time I would have him to help!

We knew having two so close in age would be tough for a while, but we wanted to keep the kids ages close so they would be *hopefully* the best of friends. The pregnancy was challenging and we knew it would be, but we were keeping our eyes on the "prize" at the end.

We welcomed the sweetest baby girl to our family, Scotlynn Bloom, on July 1st.

Postpartum Depression:

I have postpartum depression.

That is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to admit, but I have recently admitted that myself and a few others.

I.  have.  postpartum. depression.  It still stings as I type it.

As a Mom I struggle asking for help (as many Moms do).  I feel that I need to do it ALL myself, all the time.  I never in a MILLION years thought I would have to ask for help due to a MENTAL struggle, but here I am.

New mom of 3.  Wife of 6 years.  Business owner.  Go-getter.  College graduate.  Master's degree.  and now.....postpartum depression.

I've gotten myself out of debt, quit jobs not knowing where to go next, traveled the world, and made huge leaps of faith.  I've battled through 3 long and stressful pregnancies and 3 NICU stays.  I've never been depressed.  I've never done therapy or thought I needed to.  I consider myself a very strong person who tries my best to take things as they come and buckle down when needed.

However, I have not been able to conquer THIS.

I am here to tell you that postpartum depression does not discriminate.  It is real.  It is ugly.  It is scary.  Despite how I may have felt in the past, it is NOT in your control.  It is completely different than baby blues.  It is maddening.  It is soul-crushing. It is lonely.  I never knew something so ugly and heart-breaking could come from something so beautiful as a new baby.

No birth or labor pain can compare to the amount of pain caused by the mental turmoil of postpartum depression to a Mother.

My Postpartum Story:

We brought Scotlynn home after a ten day NICU stay.  We were quickly thrown into the chaos of 3 kids ages 4, 1, and 11 days.  We suddenly lost our summer childcare when I was still recovering from my c-section only a few days after bringing home baby. It was absolutely terrible timing, however we stuck together and figured it out.  Nights and days were crazy and long, but I was feeling pretty on top of things considering it all.  We had many people bring us dinner in the first few weeks and that help was greatly appreciated! We were accepting ALL the help offered this third time around (lessons learned), but when you are on baby #3 most people assume you have it all figured out already.

At one month postpartum I felt TIRED.  In one month so many things had happened.  I had hemorrhaged after my c-section and needed blood transfusions.  I wasn't healing very quickly and it was frustrating.  I needed to feel better so I could be "Mom".

I got mastitis about a week later which resulted in me crying in the middle of the night uncontrollably until I realized I had a 104 fever.  I was so focused on the baby I was feeding that I didn't realize how bad I really felt until I blacked out walking out of her room at 3AM.

After the mastitis got under control, I felt miles better.  I felt the first few weeks this 3rd time around was so much harder than the first two times I did it.  However, that made complete sense considering we had two other children that also needed us 24/7.

The postpartum emotions hit me like they had before and I was ready for them.  I cried over things that I normally wouldn't, but I knew that was par for the course after having a baby.  I spoke to my husband at the end of most nights and agreed it was a rough day, but I was chugging along fine.

I lost all of the baby weight almost immediately after birth--30 pounds.  I figured after surgery my appetite would come back once the medications left my body, but it didn't. I was pumping milk every few hours every day and had no appetite, but I figured it would get better...
I confided in a few people about my lack of appetite and was met with the response, "must be nice".
I felt something was wrong, but no one seemed to think it was an issue so I brushed it off.  (My OB even laughed a little when I told her I had no appetite. How lucky!)

I was having a difficult time sleeping and for the first time in my life I started taking sleeping pills just so I could get a few hours of sleep.  I would wake up in the middle of the night and be up for HOURS for no reason.  All kids asleep and I was wide awake. As soon as I finally drifted off to sleep, I would be woken by a crying baby.  I cried in the middle of the night out of sheer frustration.

It wasn't until about 7 weeks postpartum that I started really struggling.  Instead of feeling better day-by-day, I was feeling worse each day.  It was like all of my good emotions were gone and my body was incapable of feeling happiness.

The crying wasn't letting up at all, it was only getting worse and I didn't know why. I felt overwhelmed and trapped.  I didn't feel capable of taking care of all 3 kids alone.  I would often run to my closet and cry uncontrollably in my pillow for no apparent reason. It felt impossible to appease a 4-year old, rationalize with a 18-month old, and care for a newborn all at the same time.

When the baby cried I would be so anxious and my heart would race a million miles a minute.  I had several panic attacks and couldn't explain what triggered them. I did have some Postpartum anxiety after I had baby #2, but it only lasted a couple of weeks before it went away.  This time it was creeping up on me every day and escalating.

My temper was out of control--completely not like me.  I was easily angered and yelled at my kids.  I felt isolated and very lonely even surrounded by loved ones.  When I would go out of the house to have "me-time" I would just sit in my car and cry alone in a parking lot.  I felt at any moment I was just barley holding it together.

I seriously regretted getting out of the house each time I did.  I had nothing real to say to anyone and no one ever bothered to ask me how I was doing.  Most people commented saying how they just KNEW I was spending all of my time these days "snuggling that baby".

That was so far from the truth.

I was having a very hard time connecting with thew baby for months after she came home.  I loved her, but just didn't have that "feeling".  It made me cry more when I thought about it, so I didn't.

The bottling up and pretending made me feel worse.   I felt like we made a mistake.  I felt like we put way too much on our plates at once.  I felt like we messed up the good thing we had going.  The 3rd baby had put me over the edge and made me crazy.  I didn't even recognize the person I was being.


Every night when I got in bed I got very anxious.  I didn't know how much sleep I would get or how many times the baby would wake me. My heart would be racing so fast that it would be hard for me to sleep.  When I would wake to a crying baby I was mad.  I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to feed a baby.  I longed for the past.  Her cries made me cringe.

The guilt I had from feeling those feelings about MY CHILD was excruciatingly painful.  She had done nothing.  She was just this perfect, sweet, angel baby that arrived into our family.  She was stuck with an unfit Mom who SHOULD be obsessing over her but instead was crying over her.  When I thought about this it made me SO angry at myself.  I felt she would be better off without me.  I felt like I was making her sad.  I knew she could sense my frustration and sadness and it crushed me.

My two older children had been thrown into several huge changes suddenly.  Instead of having a Mom there to comfort them and help them adjust, they had a crumbling Mom.  A Mom who could barley make it through the day. I was not there for my babies when they needed me the most.

I was told so many times by so many people how "blessed" I was and "these are the best days of your  life", but I didn't feel that way.  I felt like I was trapped in my own personal hell.  I just wanted to feel like ME, and not the anxious, sobbing, out of control person I had become.  I knew I was completely blessed to have my beautiful family and my good life, but it hurt terribly hearing those words repeatedly and the guilt felt massive.  I often wondered what was wrong with me if I thought these days were terrible and everyone else thought they were the "best days ever".


I was either crying from being completely overwhelmed by my normal daily tasks or felt completely NUMB to it all. Things were different than they ever were after baby #1 and baby #2.  Things were SO hard.  I fantasized about leaving and never coming back.

I carried on this way for a while.

Several weekends in a row I was unable to stay at the house with the kids and my husband told me to leave and go do something alone.  I was ashamed of my mental state and the fact that by 9 AM I was basically running out the door.  However, my husband was fully capable of taking care of the kids all day alone.

After a few weekends like this I admitted to myself something was not right.  I did not have this experience after my first or second baby.  Things were different.  Things were not right and not normal.  I googled my heart out and found many conflicting things about postpartum depression.  I had pretty much ALL the symptoms, but I still wasn't completely convinced.  Or I suppose I just didn't want to admit it was THAT bad, but it certainly was.

I made a plan for myself to get some good things rolling.  I started forcing myself to eat even when I didn't feel like it.  I took my vitamins and supplements.  I went for a walk in the sunshine every day.  I listened to supportive podcasts and tried to light a fire in myself.  I got up early and had coffee alone to start the day right.  I went on a few dates with my husband.  I went out with my friends.  I talked to myself about how blessed I was.  I got massages and went to the chiropractor.  I went to the movies and dinner alone.  I did things that used to make me happy. 

Nothing was working/helping.  I was SO FRUSTRATED.  I was trying SO hard to focus on myself and make myself better.  I was doing ALL the things and seeing no improvement.

After listening to a podcast that mentioned postpartum thyroiditis, I made an appointment with a new doctor to do blood work.  I didn't want to see my OB because I knew she would call me in an anti-depressant immediately and I didn't want that, not yet.  I had a million questions that I wanted to ask someone and I knew my OB wasn't that someone. 

I anxiously sat in the room and gathered my thoughts waiting on the docotor.  I really had no idea how to put into words everything I was feeling.  As soon as I began speaking, I had to hold back the tears.  I absolutely lost my composure when she told me that my children could feel my pain and I couldn't hide it from them.  I knew she was right and it crushed me.  I had been trying SO hard to keep my pain and suffering from them.

The  doctor was so nice and sweet and assured me there probably was an underlying issue like a thyroid problem.  I probably also had anemia due to the blood loss after my c-section.  She gave me zero information about postpartum depression. I was hopeful after talking to her, and I waited for my results.  She wanted to see me back in two weeks.  She assured me we would work through this and find an answer together.

During those two weeks, I was crying constantly and each day ended with me crawling into bed as soon as the kids were down and ugly crying. My husband was sympathetic, but I could tell he just didn't get it.  Also, he was tired from taking care of 3 kids AND ME.  He wasn't getting any sleep and was also working to make money for our family. I was feeling like he was tapped out.  I was feeling bad for being a burden to him instead of a teammate as I normally was.  This was a hard time for him too.  It was hard to hold up the business and take care of me and the kids with little sleep. I was mad at him for not being there for me like I needed him to be, but I was also SO upset he was having to live through this.  My emotions were all over the place.

Our life was a mess.  We were fighting and dividing, which was not like us. What had we done?

I felt I needed help, but there wasn't anyone available to help me like I needed.  In retrospect I probably should have left to get some help for a little while and get my mind right, but I had too much responsibility at home to leave.  I also didn't have the time, money, or energy to pour into MYSELF.  That seems crazy when you are a parent to stop and help yourself.... or it did to me.

I felt like I was drowning in a giant hole that I would never escape.  It was impossible for me to put all of this into words to share with someone or ask for more help.  Honestly, I did such a good job going through the motions and internalizing it all that I don't think most people noticed there was anything going on with me. I didn't lie in bed all day or cry in front of people.  I didn't complain and whine.  I was acting normal and wanting so badly to feel normal.

I never heard back from the doctor's office on my test results.
I called back again and finally had a nurse return my call.  It was the doctor's nurse and she said all my test results looked "fine" (minus some anemia).  She asked me if I was sleeping any better and I said I was sleeping a little better because my baby was sleeping all night.  I told her everything else was the same.  She urged me to get some better sleep and said to call them back if I ever "need anything else".

I was crushed.

I had convinced myself that I had found the problem and there would be a solution, but I was wrong. My blood work was "fine" and there was nothing wrong with me.  I felt crazy.  I was going crazy.  WHY could everyone else handle the stresses that came with 3 kids, but I couldn't?

I was angry.  I was shameful.  The few times I voiced my concerns to people I was shot down.  I was assured that having kids was hard and my struggle was normal. I had tried to reach out for help with no success.  I was at my wits end and so was my husband.  He needed me to be normal and so did I.

I went through the motions. I checked off all the boxes I needed to every day.  Packed lunches, washed bottles, bathed kids, got groceries, drove kids to and from school, kept up with my work in the business, and pretended I was fine.  I decided if I pretended long enough that one day I would be fine. I stopped complaining to my husband and kept it all in even from him.

I felt like the worst person in the world.  I had three amazing HEALTHY kids.  I had a husband who was willing to go above and beyond for me.  I had childcare arranged so I could work.  I had chances to get "me time" in every day AND I WAS STILL A DISASTER.  So many people had it worse than me and were kicking ass and I was failing miserably. I just couldn't understand why I was struggling so much.  This was by far the most help I had ever had with a new baby and it was the worst I had ever felt.

God had given me the world's easiest baby and I couldn't handle her existence.

Something's gotta give:

My symptoms worsened and the crying increased.  I had three periods in one month.  I could no longer convince myself I was "fine".

I decided to seek out some information about Postpartum depression.  This was in the form of counseling specializing in PPD.  I felt silly going to talk about my feelings, but didn't really know what else to do. 

The counseling appointment basically was a chance for me to let it all out in a judge-free zone.  I did let it ALL out and cried my way through my feelings knowing I would not be judged.  I said all the terrible things I was thinking out loud.  

It was freeing.  

I walked out of that appointment feeling 100 times lighter.  Like I was able to take the Mom-guilt I was having and leave some of it there in that room. I got a lot of my questions answered and it really lit a fire inside me.  I felt motivated to fix myself.  I had anger toward people in my life that were not noticing my struggle and weren't helping, but I realized that anger was not fair.  This was my battle to fight and I needed to admit I had a problem and face it head on.

I listened to every podcast I could find about postpartum depression.  I started taking supplements to help stabilize and balance out my hormones. I doubled up on my iron supplements to help my anemia. I read about the brain and how it deals with stress.  I started walking again, EVERY day.  I started doing gratitude practice every day.  I drank my water and tried to soak in the good moments with my kids. I read self-help books. I prayed hard. I tried my best to meditate (probably not my thing but I gave it a good try). I told myself over and over and over again that it WILL GET BETTER. 

My Uphill Battle 

I realized one day that I missed my baby when I had been away that day.  I WANTED to go home and snuggle on her.  This was a huge change and it felt so so good that I cried. 

I had days where I craved some of my favorite foods again.  I got dressed up and got out of the house.  I spent some one-on-one time with each of my kids.  I had a day where I didn't cry at all.  I had the first "good" day in weeks.  I slept for 7 hours straight without waking.  I felt like it was working. 

The next week I had a couple of good days in a row.  I felt like i was slowly climbing myself out of the hole..... Then life would happen and shit would get piled back on top of me again and I would be pushed back down to the bottom.  

I would start to see the light again, but if I missed ONE day of my "stuff" (working out, me-time, structure, gratitude) then shit hit the fan.  I had one entire good five days, but the following weekend was horrible and all of those feelings came rushing back. I could see that I needed to stick to those things or I would be set back, but I WAS starting to see the light and that was the most important thing.

Today:

I am almost 4 months postpartum.

I woke up today before my kids and drank my coffee. I made the baby a bottle and ran up to her room to wake her at 7.  I had missed her little face over the night.  She stretched and looked up at me and smiled.  My heart was so happy to see her.  I kissed her on the head a million times and sang her a song despite my terrible singing abilities.  I looked at her and could not imagine NOT having her in my life. I talked with my husband in her room while we finished our coffee.  We got the kids ready for school and completed the 2398430 morning tasks, and I didn't feel overwhelmed by it all.  When the kids left for school I snuggled my baby more before she went down for her nap.  I bought new shoes and committed to a 5K run.  I got out in the sunshine and did my first training run.  I'm starting to feel like me again.  The me that wakes up happy in the morning and ready to kick ass.  The me that has goals and dreams and plans.  

I believe a lot of things came into place in order for me to see and stick to what I needed to do to help myself.  Maybe fate.  Maybe luck.  Maybe answered prayers.

A series of events led me to sharing my struggles with a large group of women.  I let my guard down long enough to be vulnerable and share my struggles. That led me to finding strength in numbers.  For the first time, I did not feel alone. It made me realized that I wasn't the only person who had been through this. 

I am not broken.  I will be me again.  It will take time.

I think one of the things that helped me most was having people who had been in my shoes tell me that IT WILL GET BETTER.  It sounds crazy, but the minute I had people to relate to my struggle and their support, I started believing in myself. 

I am still struggling through this season, but it IS getting better.  I still have an uphill battle and most likely several more months to work on myself before I am back 100%, but I am here to do the work and here for my kids.  My kids are and will always be worth all the hard days.

The reason you are reading this story:

I wanted to hide my struggle because I was ashamed and embarrassed.  When I went out to look for help and information on PPD, there was very little.  Most people believe that PPD means you are trying to hurt yourself and/or your baby.  That is not the case!  In extreme cases some women can have postpartum psychosis, but that is not the same thing as PPD and not nearly as common. Also, in some cases of PPD women can be suicidal so it is absolutely something to take very seriously!  

I still do not know why it happens or why it happened to me. I don't know the science behind it what exactly happens to the brain and the chemicals in the brain after birth. In my case, it was a pretty traumatic pregnancy, birth, and month following birth so maybe that contributed.  But I will probably never understand why it happened only after my third baby. I will probably never know.

What I do know, is that I want to help!  If coming out of hiding and sharing my story will help even ONE person, I will be happy.  Please know you are not alone. Please reach out to me!  Please read my story and know you are NOT alone. 

If you have have never experienced PPD, it may be hard for you to understand its' depths.  Please try to be kind and have empathy for those new Mamas around you.  Check on those new moms!  Everyone checks on baby but not on Mom!  Give her a chance to confide in you.  It may be hard for her to voice her struggle, but she needs you. 

I NEVER want one of my daughters to go through this alone.  I am sharing this for them, for my friends, and for all the  important women in my life. 

This is me and this is my story of postpartum depression. 

To my babies, Saylor, Slate, & Scotlynn:

I started this blog almost two years ago as a way to document my life during this season.  I want you all to have a way to know what I was thinking and how I felt as a Mom/Wife during these years.  I want you to know our story.  I want you to know the good, bad, and the ugly. I never want you to feel that what you are feeling is not normal or not okay.  I don't want you to think we easily made it here and we had an easy marriage or easy time growing our family.  We have had all the same fears that you will have in this season and you can come to us when you need advice, help, or open ears.  It is 100% okay to admit that these times are tough because they are.

If you find yourself in this season of life struggling, you are not alone.  Please{always}ask us for help! Know that theses struggles do not define you or your strength.  This is simply a season of struggle.  A "face-down" moment, but you will rise and it WILL get better!

To my daughters:
If you have postpartum depression, TELL ME!  I will be there for you as long as you need me, in whatever way you need me.  I will stand beside you.  I will lift you up and you will NOT be alone.

To my son:
If your wife struggles with PPD, help her fight through it. Take her seriously. It will get better, but she needs you to help her be strong in this time.  You are her person and she needs you now more than ever. I will stand by you both in this time and take off any burden that I can so you can help your wife and your family.

You were all made to do hard things.  You can do this and I will support you, always.

Love,
Mom.

       

   

Expanding Your Family

When you get married, you will be asked 394020934 times, "So how many kids do ya'll want?". 

It is something you will probably think of and (hopefully) talk about with your spouse before getting married.  When you find the right person, it really is hard NOT to imagine raising perfect tiny little humans with them!😍

I am the third kid of four girls and Carson is the third of three boys and one girl-- pretty crazy! 

Naturally, we both loved the idea of having a big family one day! 

When it came time to actually start our family, we had some trouble getting pregnant. We decided to see a fertility specialist just to make sure everything was okay and we were actually able to make babies.  They suggested that I get my tubes flushed out(which I did) and BAM, I got pregnant that month right after the procedure! We were SO excited to get that positive pregnancy test!  

The pregnancy was not a textbook pregnancy like we had assumed it would be.  At our 20-week anatomy scan, they found some issues with the baby's head shape and referred us to a specialist.  My doctor put me on bed-rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, and I had appointments every several days to check my amniotic fluid.  We found out that the baby's head shape was off because there was not enough amniotic fluid around the baby and her head.  I and ended up being hospitalized at 30 weeks when the fluid got extremely low. My doctors decided it was time to take the baby out via c-section at 34 weeks.  

On May 8, 2015 we had a tiny 4 pound baby, Saylor Aryah Sands.  She went straight to the NICU and was in critical condition for about 2 weeks.  She stayed in the NICU for a month total followed by a very tough first year. 

I remember feeling SO many emotions when Saylor turned one!  It had been a hell of a year leading up to that birthday party.  The pregnancy, the NICU stay, her heath issues following a premature birth, breastfeeding struggles, physical therapy for a 3-month-old, colic, reflux, and so much more!

It felt like we had been running a marathon that I had never signed up for.... On that day I just felt exhausted.

After that year, I wasn't sure if there would every be more Sands babies in our future.  I felt beaten down and many times wondered HOW THE HECK our parents survived raising FOUR babies.  I wondered if I just didn't have what it took to be a great Mom of a large family....

After Saylor turned one, we sold our house and moved for a fresh start, but things got SO busy at work and Saylor was sick almost the entire winter after we put her in full-time daycare.  We did not talk about expanding our family again for a long time, and I had pretty much let go of the "big family" idea.

Some time right before Saylor turned 2, it all somehow became a bit easier.  I don't think our life got much easier (we were still working crazy hours and the tax busy season was BRUTAL), but we somehow were able to juggle it all bit better. 

We went on a much needed mom-and-dad trip for a few days and were able to talk about the future.  Surprisingly, we agreed that we did still want Saylor to have a sibling despite the struggles we had.  Though is was all harder than we had EVER imagined, it was worth EVERY single bad day to have our baby girl.  We both agreed we wanted to have another baby...at least one more.

We got pregnant a few months after that conversation and were both pretty shocked that it happened so quickly. Unfortunately, we did have the same issues again during the second pregnancy(though we were told that it was very unlikely).  

I was seeing a specialist several times a week by the second trimester to check fluid levels and growth of the baby. We had several scares along the way, but I found we were able to deal with it all so much better than we did the first time.  Yes, we were scared, but we had SO much faith that it would all be okay.  I knew in the end it would all be worth it.  

Slate Rowan Sands was taken via c-section at 36 weeks due to low amniotic fluid (just like his sister) on December 8th, 2017. He had a one week NICU stay that felt like a breeze compared to Saylor's month-long hospitalization.  We took him home to join our crazy family and have been loving on him now for 9 months!

My thought every day for the past 9 months:  

How in the heck did we ever life without this boy in our lives? 

Newborn baby Slate Rowan Sands

My heart, abilities, patience, and endurance have all grown so much these past 9 months as a Mom of two.  They have not been easy months, but they have been SO rewarding.  Slate has been in physical therapy and has had a rough start to life just like Saylor did.  We didn't get it "easy" either time, but we have the most-perfect little humans to love on each and every day! 

So here we are once again having the talk about expanding our family for baby Sands #3.....

Most people think we are absolutely crazy, but we will be trying for #3 (and possibly final) Sands baby in one more month!  We know it will be hard, expensive, exhausting, scary....the list goes on.  BUT we also know that it will be SO worth it and that we are more-than-capable of doing it together.

Carson and I stick together when we face fear.  We tag-team bedtime and toddler melt-downs.  We have each other through this whole season of life.  

All of these words and this story to say one thing.  Raising babies is HARD.  Making a family is HARD.  Pregnancy, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, disciplining, potty training...ALL are more difficult than you can imagine.  It took me years to realize this.  The conclusion that we came to was that we will do the hard work now to grow our family, and something SO beautiful will come from all of our hard work.  We are already seeing our hard work pay off each time we look at our sweet babies💓

Things in life that are worth anything are not EASY.  

If you are ever in this situation wondering how in the HECK we raised all of you kids....I want you to know that it was not easy! 

It was SO incredibly hard.

BUT it was SO incredibly worth it! I would do it all over again one million times if that is what I had to do for this family.💓💓💓💓💓

Love,

MOM